Speech? What speech? Ah, the president. I saw that. I remember my wife Dianna was there.

"Isn't that a nice jacket?" she asked, referring to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's trim light mint suit. Pelosi, the first woman to ever call Congress to order before a state of the Union Address, banged her gavel a few times and turned the floor over to President Bush.

It's hard to take him seriously anymore, but I feel it's important to stay on top of what he says just to throw it back at him for the next two years. Stone the man with his own words until he stumbles back into his Texas compound and out of our lives forever.

Here are my highlights:

Bush says he wants to balance the federal budget and eliminate the federal spending deficit in five years. You could see Pelosi tell Cheney that even she'd stand up for that. He said he was going to do this without raising taxes and the only spending cuts he mentioned were those concerning earmarks. Now, I respect the attack on earmarks, and I'm not just applauding for the cameras like the Senators and members of Congress who make their bread and butter on earmarks. But even by his own estimates, Bush said eliminating half of all earmarks will only reducing spending by $9 billion. That's like 10 days in Iraq.

He wants to improve on the successes of his No Child Left Behind program. I only included this in my highlights because I believe the Constitution's enumeration of powers leaves the education process to states. I think the only time the federal government should be involved in education is when the National Guard is needed.

Mrs. Bush standing up to Dikembe Mutombo's elbow. If I was Mutombo I would have swatted her the hell away from me. She looked like a vicious predatory feline with her bright blue eyes flashing in contrast to her bright red suit and bloody scarlet lips. Instead Mutombo probably just offered to "sex her up."

The health care plan is a crock. I need more time to look into the issue, but my wife assures the whole thing will screw young, healthy people like us over big-time.

Pelosi could barely contain her laughter as Bush presented his energy plan. He said he wanted to reduce gasoline consumption by 20 percent in 10 years by increasing the production of ethanol. VP Cheney openly laughed, it wasn't even his usual smirk, he out loud laughed as Bush talked of taking climate change seriously. Cheney knows Bush has no such plans. He knows Bush's pandering is just meant to buy time, like sending somebody a check and "forgetting" to sign it. But apparently Bush and his VP were having a little fun with Secretary of Energy Samuel W. Bodman. I don't think they let him in on the sham. Bodman looked like he was going to cry, his chubby red face was all scrunched up around every orifice.

Bush said he didn't want a war with several different factions in Iraq, just like everybody else, but here we are. It's surprising that he and his crack staff couldn't see this coming.

I'm done. I have more to say, but not the strength with which to say it.

I don't have much to say these days. My NFL predictions were all trash. I guess I better admit to that, but in all fairness I hate New Orleans forever now. Perhaps those two ideas aren't connected, but suffice to say, I'm glad the Saints lost to the Chicago Bears. The above picture pretty much sums up my thoughts on the entire city of New Orleans right now. May they fester and rot in their own fetid corruption for the rest of eternity. Jesus little baby, I may be losing my head here. But I do take solace in the disappointment that all those bubble gum chewing college football fans who tuned into the games this weekend just to watch the Saints make a good story must feel right now.
Anyhow, speaking of retards, check this out: http://www.freetraficant.com/. It's brought to us by one Irish McNasty.

Oh, when the Saints come marching in...
According to the Associated Press eight people have already been gunned down in New Orleans this year, which may seem like a lot, even for the Sodom and Gomora on the Miss-a-sipp, but it makes sense. These are tense days for eight NFL cities, Philadelphia, Nawleans, Boston (OK, New England is a region, but you get the point), Baltimore, San Diego, Indie, CHI Town, and Seattle. And the fan bases of each community are turning to their roots to soothe their nerves.
Philadelphia residents are preparing for Saturday's match up against the Saints by cramming down hot wings in obscene numbers and developing a non existent quarterback controversy. "If Donovan McNabb was healthy, wouldn't you still rather have Jeff Gracia at the helm?" You might as well ask if Jesus could QB your team, would you want him or McNabb? The Philly area's talk radio is filled with idiotic accusations and the maligning of Donovan, and his mother. Philly fans would have run Babe Ruth out of town given the opportunity.
On the other side of stupid, the good people of Indie have collectively stuck their heads in the ground, praising Peyton Manning, even as he threw three interceptions in the team's victory over Kansass. God damn are they cheery.
Baltimore fans are eating crabs and praying a key member of their team doesn't get arrested before they face the Colts.
The people of San Diego are probably sunning themselves, California Dreams, on such a winter's day and what not. But I haven't been to southern California recently so... well, who cares, Baltimore is going to win the AFC anyhow. (Bold statement from a strange man.)
I haven't been to Chicago recently either, but the fans there can't feel confident, even though the Bears are the top seed in the NFC. They suck out loud. Grossman is an INT waiting to happen and Chicago's once lauded defense is pathetic now. If I lived in Chicago, I'd order a couple of deep dish pizzas, pick up a 30 pack of High Life and baricade myself in Sunday. If the Bears lose Sunday, I predict a return to mob rule.
According to my sources in Washington, the fair weather fans of the Seattle Seahawks aren't even aware that their team is still in the hunt. My grandmother tells me most of her neighbors are getting ready to root for the Mariners, until May, when they give up and start looking forward to Huskies football.
For the people of New England, well, the folks up there are probably drinking terpentine and having sex with their cousins as they always do. (Wow, that was an unimaginative cheap shot.)
All in all, this should be the best weekend of football in a long time.