Lawyers And Threats

Over the past approximately six weeks dozens of allegations of improprieties have been leveled against my client Michael Pell. The insulting accusations stem mainly from people who judge how cool something or someone is buy size and a man who smells of finely crafted cheese and cowardice. These individuals, who, under the advice of the state attorney general of New York, where we are pressing our case, will remain nameless.

Their most harmful, and to my client financially damaging, claim is that he no longer posts anything on this site. Some have even accused this budding-young-go-getter of using a ghost writer -- hired muscle with a well carved haircut -- just to fill space. Outrageous, libelous hoodwinkery such as this will not stand. It's a mockery of free speech. So grievous an offense to the very nature of the rule of law is this that my office and I would take on the case for free if it was not already for the substantial retainer paid to my firm by Dianna M. Pell on the first of each month.

My client has sustained acute mental and emotional trauma as a direct result of the afore mentioned jies. His highly volatile psychological state caused him to take wrecklessly aggressive and wholy irrational actions that are beyond the scope of his normal character. Fueled by intoxicating liquors, which he rarelt touches unless needlessly agitated, and the relentless fear of lossed internet ad revenue for his blog, Mr. Pell sabotaged his own future. He lashed out at professors, his employers and coworkers. The following e-mail, sent late week to one of his proffessors, makes the extent of his dister clear.

Mr. Pell had recently received a grade of 43 out of 100 for an in class presentation. There were no notes attached. He was only told the article was not academically robust enough. Normally Mr. Pell would have let it go, knowing his final great rested entirely with he outcome of one project, but in his addled state he felt compelled to respond.

Yo Elizabeth,
First off I hate acting like a grade grubber here. But my wife makes me. She's a strident young lady. And from what I've read in her diary, she has a dark streak.

But to the point, I hear where you're coming from as far the article I selected for my presentation lacking the ability to make a reader break an intellectual sweat. Perhaps an article with a little more force than a historical analysis of fake television news would have made for better cerebral soup. But I honestly didn't know that was a qualification that would hurt my grade. I know I'm pressing here, but stay with me. The only reason I selected the SNL article was because the presentation the week before was also a little flaky in an entertaining kind of way and I wanted to keep up the pace. I'm the god damn class clown! Do you know what kind of pressure I'm under?

And, as pointed out during class, I thought there was some value to the article's more unfinished (I use "unfinished" here instead of shitty) aspects. You said it too in class and I have the whole thing on tape...video too.

So while I heartily agree that I could have picked a more robust article, I think my ignorance here should actually save me a few points. I mean, I know what article I select is not your call as you said, but throw me a fucking bone here. If you knew I was walking into an academic tiger pit, a heads up could have helped. That wasn't the only historical article I read for Christ's sake. I could have used one of the others pretty easily.

Plus I bet I spent a lot of time working on my project. I still talk to Aaron, the author of this much maligned article. He's not a bad guy. Portly yes, but smart as a whip. Not wise in an academic sense perhaps, and maybe not street-smart either, but he sure knows a lot about the A-Team.

But for once this isn't about Aaron. Look, maybe we can come to some kind of accord, in the middle. I have to go back to D$ -- my wife -- with something. Otherwise I'll look like a fool. Or have I already vaulted across that threshold? Ahh, no matter. The fact is that with only three more points to my grade I could still get a low-A on the project. That way I still loose some points for selecting an easy article and you can sleep at night knowing that you didn't usher me along to my academic ruin.

I hope I made my point. Looking back on what I've written a part of me I thought long dead shrieks in horror.

Thank you very much for taking the time to dicker with me,
Pell
Spring Break 99

As Mr. Pell's attorney I ask all readers to refrain from insulting this poor man.
Signed,

Cry Baby Michael Pell's Lawyer