Palm Oil Flames Licking my Foreign Born Doobie
The Dutch grow synapse popping pot. And when you go into a little shop in Amsterdamned to purchase a henry of mushrooms they offer you a menu with different kinds of trips. I like their style. But it turns out that when it comes to energy policy, they suck.
According to the January 31 business section of the NY Times (jesus ball-tickling christ, I told somebody earlier today that the article came out yesterday and I only realized right now when I looked at the paper that it was eight days ago) the Dutch use of palm oil as an alternative energy source is an environmental disaster. Yeah, the Dutch and their "progressive" EU buddies are not so innocent as their wooden shoes and recent genocides might suggest.
The Times claims that the draining of peatland in Indonesia, where the palms are grown, releases 660 million tons of carbon into the atmosphere a year and that the fires plantation owners use to clear peatland adds 1.5 billion tons of carbon a year. The fires and the draining of peatland combine to equal 8 percent of all global emissions from burning fossil fuels. Way to go Europe. You're killing us all.
So what I'm getting to here is that I would like to travel to the land of the Dutch to beg their government to reconsider and institute a smothering law that would make the sue of palm oil punishable by castration. If you're a woman, you have to wrestle another woman convicted of using palm oil. And both women have to be covered in palm oil... and they have to kiss, a lot, and they have to go down on one another. Unless they're really ugly and they can't find anyone in the country to watch, in which case they have to tend an acres of peatland for a year.
But this kind of trip and lobbying effort isn't cheap and lord knows I don't have that kind of money. Neither does my wife -- I've checked. But with a few hundred donations from the anonymous faces on the Internet, I can go to Dutchland and save the planet.
If you want to send a donation leave your e-mail address as a post and I'll e-mail you my address. Remember, this isn't for me, or my desire get cockeyed on mushrooms and yell at a foreign bureaucrat, it's about our children.
My friend Big Daddy would say, "Ohhhh, dude, I just think we're screwed. I honestly don't think we can do anything to save this planet. I bet a satellite smashes into my house tonight."
He's wrong though. Send me money and we can all save the planet.
posted by Pell @ 8:48 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
A satellite did smash into my house last night and it wasn't much of a shock because I was expecting it. The dog and myself were holed up in the crawlspace with blankets burning cardboard to stay warm. The low last night was 1 so it was tough.
Poor Brian got the brunt of the impact. A solar panel sliced through his neck. I was surprised such a gangly piece of the satellite survived the trip through the atmostphere. But it did. And now Brian's dead and I took his Mac Powerbook. Nice computer. Pre-loaded with some really weird porn. "Palm Oil Fistings 4", I didn't even know their was a type of oil fetish.
Anyway, the reason why I lived and Brian died is because I'm a realist about the current state of satellites. He wasn't. He was a naysayer just like you. I finally convinced him to let me at least save the Stink's life. Thank god. Of course had my house actually been a concrete bunker, and I was a realist about it, that would have saved me as well.
Also, the EU palm oil debacle's bad, but I bet the US is responsible for at least the same amount of carbon emissions from automobiles. And if not automobiles alone, let's just tack on coke factories for good measure.
You see, it's my realism about satellites that's allowing me to sit here calmly in the Red Cross shelter and have a conversation with you about carbon emissions. I keep my head on straight Mike. How about you?
Ha. You keep your head on straight. I want mine loose as a goose beaten to death with an aluminum collapsible rake.
When the shit is flying, my parabola shaped melon will swivel across the writhing landscape, scanning back and forth for targets and eliminating them with key strokes or the steady beat of a semi-automatic 12-gauge.
I agree that US cars and trucks spew out a shit pot full of carbon.
My entire point is that we have a serious problem here and we need to address it in a concerted fashion. Leaving gasoline to burn palm oil or even ethanol seems like a pretty shitty solution. I'll get to that some other time.
But anyhow, I bet the satellite is from the Weather Channel. I agree with the senator from Oklahoma, the Weather Channel sucks. Not because I think they have sort of plan to make people think the climate's changing to gain viewers, but because they're raining down satellites on us.
Thank god the Chinese are developing satellite killing missles.
The Dutch Debacle is so important to publicize because of the perceptions out there.
It is true that the best thing we could do to shield ourselves from terrorism is stop exerting economic muscle in unstable regions to perpetuate our fossil fuel-based economy. However, that's all that alternative combustion energies do for us.
The problem here is the term 'combustion.' The problem is the emmissions that cause global warming. It doesn't matter whether we burn coal, gas, ethanol, palm oil, or fat sucked from vain image reliant douches. It's all bad for the environment. We need renewable, emmissions free (electricity based in hydro, solar or wind) or low emmissions (natural gas co-gen, home power cell, improved hybrids) energy sources.
The confusion of these issues has morons considering themselves environmentally friendly because they use bio-diesel or liposucked fat.
Well, Drew and MB, I think that there are in fact different types of "combustion" and that some are cleaner than others, like, for example, burning ethanol is cleaner than burning gasoline.
There is also at least one more reason why some "morons" want to use alternative fuels: they are renewable, or at least could last a hell of a lot longer than traditional oil-based fuels.
You little douche bag -- I heard you got an invite to Phoenix. If this is true, I am rethinking my retirement plans.
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