Speech? What speech? Ah, the president. I saw that. I remember my wife Dianna was there.

"Isn't that a nice jacket?" she asked, referring to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's trim light mint suit. Pelosi, the first woman to ever call Congress to order before a state of the Union Address, banged her gavel a few times and turned the floor over to President Bush.

It's hard to take him seriously anymore, but I feel it's important to stay on top of what he says just to throw it back at him for the next two years. Stone the man with his own words until he stumbles back into his Texas compound and out of our lives forever.

Here are my highlights:

Bush says he wants to balance the federal budget and eliminate the federal spending deficit in five years. You could see Pelosi tell Cheney that even she'd stand up for that. He said he was going to do this without raising taxes and the only spending cuts he mentioned were those concerning earmarks. Now, I respect the attack on earmarks, and I'm not just applauding for the cameras like the Senators and members of Congress who make their bread and butter on earmarks. But even by his own estimates, Bush said eliminating half of all earmarks will only reducing spending by $9 billion. That's like 10 days in Iraq.

He wants to improve on the successes of his No Child Left Behind program. I only included this in my highlights because I believe the Constitution's enumeration of powers leaves the education process to states. I think the only time the federal government should be involved in education is when the National Guard is needed.

Mrs. Bush standing up to Dikembe Mutombo's elbow. If I was Mutombo I would have swatted her the hell away from me. She looked like a vicious predatory feline with her bright blue eyes flashing in contrast to her bright red suit and bloody scarlet lips. Instead Mutombo probably just offered to "sex her up."

The health care plan is a crock. I need more time to look into the issue, but my wife assures the whole thing will screw young, healthy people like us over big-time.

Pelosi could barely contain her laughter as Bush presented his energy plan. He said he wanted to reduce gasoline consumption by 20 percent in 10 years by increasing the production of ethanol. VP Cheney openly laughed, it wasn't even his usual smirk, he out loud laughed as Bush talked of taking climate change seriously. Cheney knows Bush has no such plans. He knows Bush's pandering is just meant to buy time, like sending somebody a check and "forgetting" to sign it. But apparently Bush and his VP were having a little fun with Secretary of Energy Samuel W. Bodman. I don't think they let him in on the sham. Bodman looked like he was going to cry, his chubby red face was all scrunched up around every orifice.

Bush said he didn't want a war with several different factions in Iraq, just like everybody else, but here we are. It's surprising that he and his crack staff couldn't see this coming.

I'm done. I have more to say, but not the strength with which to say it.