TIME TRAVEL
Necessity is the low-rent, welfare, bitch-mother of invention. And I the limp-membered father who barely managed to shoot off my seed. But like my fore-fathers, Capt. James T. Kirk, Doctor Emmet Brown, William Preston Esq., and Theodore Logan I have achieved climax -- meaning success.
Today I had to work at the Missourian during the Eagles/Cowboys game. All week I schemed to get out of the shift. I even dressed up like a pirate ghost and haunted the newsroom in a bid to shutdown the place for at least the Sunday night game.
"I do remember the day you dressed up like a pirate," Matt Harris, an undergraduate said as he was reading this over my shoulder.
But a few meddling kids got in the way so I came up with a better plan. I was watching Superman, the original, when I realized that if I turned back time after my shift, I could watch the game and fulfill my responsibilities at the paper. Pretty simple solution really. First, I isolated myself during the game. I taped up posters in the newsroom demanding people not talk to me about the game and then I went back home to where Dianna was in seclusion in the east wing and popped in a tape of the game. Not as daring as Doc Brown or as rocking as Bill and Ted, but it's a workable plan.

Dr. Emmett "Doc" L. Brown: I'm sure in 1985, plutonium is available at every corner drugstore, but in 1955 it's a little hard to come by!

Biff Tannen: I have your car towed all the way to your house and all you've got for me is LIGHT beer?

One of the best 21st birthday quotes ever:
"I got kissed by a woman who smelled like cigarettes and Tanqueray." -- Matt Harris
He also got taken to bed by a 250 pound face-breaking goon. Matt had a good time.